Since gaining more focus and traction in my training, I’ve not only become more physically improved but mentally and spiritually as well. There’s one more thing I need to become more in tune with in my workouts/conditioning: running. Long distance, in order to better improve my stamina and endurance.
I run on a treadmill at the gym when I go and then jump rope off and on in between my sets/schedule but it’s not the same and I know that. Running on a treadmill I set the speed at 7.6 MPH to 8MPH and run all out for a half mile. I think I average around 7.5 MPH for my steady pace.
I used to love running. In high school I’d run every weekend for four to five hours at a time with my Husky, Lobo. (I have another story about getting a visit from him in a dream but I’ll write that later). I don’t know if I’m up for that long of runs just yet, seeing as how I haven’t run like that since I was 17 and I’m now…smehmehmen…years old, but I think I can give myself an hour or so and see what I can do.
I’ve got new martial arts shoes I ordered coming some time next week and I’m excited because I know that running is actually a huge part of who I am. Now, seeing as how I’ve once again come to terms with this part of me recently I of course couldn’t help but ask myself, “Why Gustavo? Why has it been so long since you’ve run, what’s really been holding you back from doing it?”
Had to put on the subversive thinking cap, cause I was bout to dive deep. Like Bugs Bunny in classic Looney Tunes.
Here’s what I’ve realized:
It has to do with the underlying fear of somehow becoming like my biological father. He liked to run, physically and metaphorically. He didn’t know how to deal with the truth of things. He ran away from anything and everything he couldn’t handle using alcohol and women and sometimes drugs to help aid his escape.
When I was seventeen, well when I started running a year before that, I had the mentality of “needing” to run away from everything. I couldn’t handle anything going on outside of me because I wasn’t allowed to accept everything that was within me.
So, I ran. I ran long distances hoping to escape my subconscious. I ran into relationship after relationship, never truly getting to know the girls for fear that they’d one day see the weak and shriveled image of me I desperately held onto out of fear of the uncertain I knew was inevitable once I did. I ran from responsibilities, especially to myself. I ran from any form of affection because I didn’t feel worthy of it.
I ran…from my reflection. I had a hard time looking anyone in the eyes, again because I “knew” they’d see right through me and “know” what I “knew”, I was worthless. I didn’t want to receive that same look from myself; I knew it’d break me.
So, why’ve I been so hesitant to start running again? I didn’t want my motivation to be the same as it was before. I had to be sure it wasn’t, just…didn’t expect it to take me nearly twelve years to be sure of it.
Now, I fear nothing. I’m now a long time tenant of the uncertain. It’s a part of me, uncertainty, in my breath and my veins. Always has been. It’s no longer possible for me to fear who I am.
So when I start running, I’m running to deepen my purpose. I’m running to further develop who I am.
I run, to further my freedom.
That’s what makes me truly dangerous: I set myself free, courageously, from everything internally pushing to stop me.
I strive to help others do the same, not do all the work for them but help them discover the key to freedom is found within themselves; not something you seek or obtain externally.
Redefinition obtained through rediscovery.