The Weight of the World

The title says it all.

This was my M.O. for years. From age 8/9 until I was 23. Granted the early ages are when it was developing, the need to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. So I’d say from age ten to 22 is when I decided that everything and everyone in the world were my responsibility.

A noble ideology for sure but in the long term, deadly. Life is all about balance, but I neglected mine and blamed the world around me for it.

I took on all my friends’ and family’s difficulties as my own and blamed them for the fact that I did. I chose to neglect myself “for them” and in doing so neglected true responsibility.

 

I’m 29 years old now…years young? Eh, however you wanna see it. It took me years to recognize what I’d be doing. The pain I’d been causing myself “for” others’ sakes. To recognize the pain I’d been causing myself by not allowing myself to do the, seemingly, most difficult thing in the world: be human.

 

It begins with trust. Learning to trust yourself to know that any mistakes you’ve made or things that happened in your life that you couldn’t control weren’t and are never going to be your fault. It doesn’t matter how bad it may’ve been, you don’t need to take the blame for it entirely just to prove to yourself how great of a human you are.

 

Then the hardest part, in my opinion. Allowing yourself to come to terms with the truth of whatever it was that happened. For a long time I pushed away my feelings, especially the negative ones because again I thought it “made me a truly good person.” I avoided anything that could have altered my state of being because, I was painfully unaware of how fragile I’d become through neglect of the pains I’d experienced.

There’s a difference between getting past things that have happened to you and getting through them. Only once you go through the life altering moments of your life, where you actually feel everything about them and begin to see them from all angles, can you truly move on from them.

You’ll recognize the proof in your growth when you look at yourself in the mirror. Particularly in your eyes.

 

You’ll know you’re on your way because next you’ll experience a new form of trust. Having faith in yourself completely. Faith in letting go of things, people included, that no longer serve your greater purpose. Letting go of people will be the hardest part of this step because you’ve put in so much work to better yourself, truly, that you’ll want to help anyone who you thought meant the world to you.

It’ll be different because you’ll want to help them grow not out of obligation but out of love. True love.

This is when you’ll realize the people they truly are. This is when you’ll realize the person you truly are. Because the love will stem from deep within you.

You’ll no longer be looking to fill the void of love within you from external sources, people, activities, substances, gossip. The love you’ve unrealistically been chasing after will no longer be out of reach.

Now you’re beginning to finalize your awakening, at least the first stages of it. Because you’ve become the embodiment of the love you’ve been longing for.

 

It starts with a courageous act. The act of letting the world roll off your shoulders followed by allowing yourself to stand so you can recognize that it isn’t yours to fix. So you can see the world for all it is; see how unnecessary it was to carry it for so long.

You don’t owe it to me, your friends, your family or anyone else for that matter. You owe it to yourself. Allow yourself to be everything you’re meant to.