A definitive defining moment.
I knelt down on my knees, on the verge of tears:
“Father…Father, I just, I can’t do it anymore. I can’t figure everything out all the time…I’m…I’m tired…
…I’m tired of…taking responsibility for so much of what I can’t control…
I feel like all I do is fail, fail others, fail myself, fail You. I’m just tired. I feel like…I HAVE to carry the Weight of the World on my shoulders. Like…like everything falls on me all the time. I have to be this or that…that or this and, I can’t just be me.
…That’s all I want. I just…I just want to be me. That’s all. And…all I’ve been told or pushed towards is being something…I’m not.
It’s like every time I go against what it is I’ve been told I should be, I end up doing nothing but disappointing people…my mom especially.
…But, I’m not hurting people. I’m not trying to hurt anyone I just want…to be loved for everything I am and recognized…for everything I’m not.
I don’t want to give every thought I have attention and validation. I want to enjoy the good, all of it, internally and beyond. I want to smile more, laugh hard whenever I can.
I want to explore life, live it as I’m meant to with no fears or regrets.
I don’t want to be afraid to make mistakes. I want to learn from them, embrace them. And even my faults…because I know I’m not gonna get any taller, haha…sorry couldn’t help it.
I want to be loved. I want to except love and let it be who I am. I want love to reflect in not only my character but in my actions, my thoughts, my words…and everything in between.
Real love, honest love.
…I don’t want to be afraid to let go of things anymore. I don’t want to…lose myself anymore…because I’m afraid of who or what I might lose by being who I know in my heart I am.
…I don’t want to be in control anymore. I give up, I give in…whatever I must do, I trust you to guide me. Wherever I’m needed I know you’ll take me and whoever I’m meant to love, I know you’ll lead us together.
Whatever you wish for me Father…I trust your will.”
When I was finished, just as I let out a relaxing exhale, I felt my shoulders relax in a whole new way. The weight I’d been putting on myself had finally been released and I knew then and there that everything would be different.
It was 2012, I remember that. I found it odd a few years later when I reflected on that moment, how there’d been all this talk about the “impending doom” and “apocalypse” and I was one of the people who was on the belief side of it. I had kind of hoped for it to happen because I figured that’d be the best way to get the start I knew I needed. It was the best way for my potential to be reached.
I knew 2012 would be a major year for change and death was going to happen, it’s just funny how life surprises you just when you think you know everything. It was a huge time for change for me and a part of me did die that night I prayed. The part of me determined to be a slave to fear.
This is one of the most defining moments in my life. This moment bought me to begin my true journey into my New Beginning.