The thing about pain is it’s hard to describe without making those you’re describing it to feel pain as well. Causing someone pain should never be the focus behind your words or actions but being human we’re bound to cause pain to others without meaning to.
Have you ever seen someone’s picture, someone who hurt you in ways they’re possibly unaware of, and feel more hurt than you thought you would?
“I hope, you never have to feel that kind of pain. I hope, you never have to understand the pain I feel from my perspective. And, I mean that.”
In recent past months I was depicted, through someone’s actions, as the problem. An “obligation” as they said. Things like that, can never be taken back, or unheard or forgotten. Their words said it “isn’t you” but how they acted towards me was the opposite. I was made to be the villain. It felt like, me being who I am (respectful, kind, understanding, caring, concerned, involved) was a problem that I needed to fix.
And for a while, I tried to. Hoping to stumble across some middle ground…to no avail. The harder I tried, the more “annoying” I became. Now, that’s all I feel I was.
I took the fault and blame for things I wasn’t and hadn’t done. I made the mistake of not giving her the space she needed. I wasn’t strong enough to not pick up the phone, I wasn’t strong enough not to reply to texts but I hoped that when I did it would be different. I hoped that at the very least I’d be accepted just as I am. But no.
There was nit picking from she to me, doubts, frustration, anger…all because I couldn’t get over it…all because I couldn’t stop loving her as easily as it seemed to come to her towards me.
“…Too emotionally invested…you’re projecting…be more like [so-and-so] we only talk every few months and it’s fine…I don’t have dramatic friends…”
These are some of the things that keep replaying in my mind. Things said that…continuously cut me to the core.
I loved you, both you and your son. And all I wanted was to grow closer, become more involved in both your lives. That was my only wish, to be lucky enough to love you both forever and become a family.
I wanted to be there for you at the end of the day just to hear what you had to say and make you smile and laugh if it was a rougher day then in needed to be. I wanted to play with your son after school and build forts with him and read him stories; write him a few of his own in secret and surprise him with them.
I wanted to surprise you with new ways to show my love. Learn to cook all your favorite meals, and a few new ones together. I wanted to help you wake up with romantic notes on your alarm clock, and cook you your favorite breakfasts in bed on the weekends with help from your son.
I wanted to share new adventures together, share stories of old ones…all I ever wanted was to be there for the two of you…
Instead, I got blamed for whatever went wrong when I moved to be with you. I became the problems, the bad guy.
There’s no going back from that.
I have two journals I was writing you both. One for each of you. His is a story of his Origin Jedi story. It has people from his life he’d recognize, stickers in the back just for him and an interactive element to it.
Yours, is a 100 page journal. Your favorite color, with letters written to you describing my favorite moments with you, favorite things about you and the love I have for you…wanted to have for you. It answers every question, why, how, when, where of that love for you.
…But…all I feel like is a problem for you. The love I had for you included.
To have been committed to you both beyond limits and feel like all I am, who I am, is a problem for you…like, my love is and will always be an issue. When to me, the love I was lucky enough to have for you both, the love I got to express to the two of you every chance I got (no matter what I accomplish as a writer or in my career) will always be the greatest thing I’ve done in my life.
Yeah, seeing a picture of you that I’d never seen before hurt a lot and yet…I was glad to finally see you looking happy again.
Still, I don’t know if I’m ever going to want you to be part of my life again, even in friendship…and that’s the most painful part of all.