Inner City

I have realized that I am more capable at this point in my life. I don’t mean I am understanding my potential, I have always known that I just mean I am more aware of people as wholes.
I never saw people as objects put here only for my benefit but there was a time when I would do for others and expect for them to return the effort. That isn’t me any more. It may seem sad but I promise you it isn’t.
You see, with the lack of expectations, I am able to look at someone for who they are fully and let who they are be enough for me. I still want to help people and add something to their life that they never knew of before but I am doing so simply because that is who I am and not because I expect them to have to change into something like me.
The best way I can think to describe it is being in San Fransisco, it’s loud, kind of confusing and dirtier than you anticipated. It’s so dirty it seems almost unwelcoming and you don’t really know what to do about it or how you should react to it if at all. This is because of expectation. This is how I used to see people, well in all honesty this is still how I see people but I no longer take it upon myself to try and make them better. I was always so close to everyone so fast, unable to breathe because I was deep inside of the person they were trying desperately to bring out the person they admitted to me they wanted to be.
Now, it’s like I’m seeing people from a distance. I can look at them and know exactly what is going on inside. The turmoil, the confusion, the fears, but I am no longer stuck feeling what they feel. I am still able to do so but now it’s a choice, it’s my choice, and if I choose to become deeper involved in someone’s life than I don’t just pick up a broom and start cleaning up. I offer my help and wait for their reply. I wait until they are ready and only then do I begin to help them build their inner city into their inner utopia. And when if a person does allow me to help, I make sure I bring enough tools for the rebuild to share. That way when the time is right, I can begin to step back while they complete the process. This way the extra tools I brought for them to use become theirs.
If I am able to do this enough then maybe those I help will eventually learn to do it for others in their lives. Perhaps not quite as detailed…or better yet, maybe they can do it better.