I used to look at shows like “Friends” and “Boy Meets World” for answers to who I was. In none of the characters did I see anything close to who I am in full, I only ever got glimpses. Because of this I always felt like there was something innately and forever wrong with me. I never felt understood internally. None of what I felt inside was ever addressed by these shows and shows like it. Instead I continued to feel as though how my mind operated was a huge problem.
One thing I’ve always believed in is Life’s redemption, its odd sense of humor with bringing things full circle. I’m still learning of how true that is after a recent talk with my mom.
“You share a lot of his (my father’s) traits.” [I’ve never ever wanted to be like him. He was an abuser, a womanizer and other things. He ran from his problems and blamed the world for anything that went wrong with him. Anytime I’ve been told I resemble him it makes me shutter.] “You do, you have so much of him within you except that he ever dealt with his problems and you are. He drank and cheated on me instead of opening up and addressing things. He became toxic to everyone around him.”
“I don’t want to be toxic to anyone mom and that’s how I’ve been feeling.”
“You’re not baby. You’re not. After everything that’s happened, you came back and hit the ground running. Learning from your mistakes. Although still making a few in the process. Making a realistic plan with a true outcome for yourself. Buckling down and that’s the difference.
“So yes, you’re very alike. Especially with how your mind works. But just like you he overthought things to a fault. You do it too. So we just need to figure out how to get you out of that as a default mechanism when things fall apart a little. It’ll happen, you just have to find a better balance, a true balance.
“You’re a great man, a better man than he ever allowed himself to be.”
Shows like “Friends” and “Boy Meets World” only addressed surface issues with hints of what lie beneath. I can’t recall anything where mentality was specifically addressed. So it was like I’d be staring at a brick wall trying to see my reflection.
I’ve never wanted to be like my father but I had to hear that I am, in many ways. I have everything he had within him plus the love and care from my mom, along with other things.
In pushing myself to not be like him at all I was denying myself opportunities to grow with the truth and unknowingly repeating his mistakes. He and I are a lot alike. But I’m not him. I’m me. Having been told the truth of it by my mom with all she’s seen in me my whole life, I can stand tall and say I know fully who I am. No longer afraid of the truth, but accepting it.
Overthinking doesn’t make me a bad person but it also doesn’t have to be part of who I am. I don’t have to let it push me into a corner, I don’t have to give in to the fear. Knowing it was an issue that’d been passed on to me makes a huge difference because I can do what I need to understand it and further become the man I’ve always wanted/needed to be. The man my mother raised me to be.
Life does bring things full circle. Where my father fails, I succeed. He passed on his mind to me and the demons he ran from I’ve always stood face to face with to fight. This time the demon is bigger than any before it. I’m ready though and I know it doesn’t expect me to be. It’s smiling because it thinks I’m intimidated; I’m smirking because, “The bigger they are the harder they fall.”